Metrowoman bearer of a name reminiscent of a comic book hero has written a piece and asked for feedback.
Well, Sister, seeing as I was passing by, I thought I’d take a swipe at some low-hanging fruit.
She writes Why settle for less…
This is a no-holds-barred discourse for young women, waiting for the man of their dreams.
Why is she waiting, and not going to get him?
1) Define yourself; determine what you will or will not take, what standards and values you will not compromise on.
I can tell a whole lot what you think about yourself by the kind of man you choose to be with.
Psychic, are we?
A girl who has low self confidence will give herself to any man at a huge discount.
“Give” herself? What, is she a puppy? Some sort of property of which she can relinquish self-possession?
You must stand up for yourself, appreciate your strengths, downplay your weakness and decide the level of life you want to play at.
You must stand up for yourself, build your strengths, shore up your weaknesses and decide the level of life you want to play at.
2) Don’t be with someone at any level lower than where you are at, socially, educationally or economically except you are convinced of his potentials and you are sure without a doubt that he is bigger than the place where he currently is.
Should she also count his teeth? Of course, I’m sure that you would apply this to men as well. He should not be with someone at any level lower than where he is, socially, educationally, or economically, except where he is convinced of her potential and is sure without a doubt that she is bigger than the place she currently is. You don’t expect him to settle, do you?
3) He must bring more to the table than you do;
Why? Should you not bring as much to the table as he does? Why do you value this person’s presence in your life? Is it for who he is, or that he should somehow make all the finer things in life magically rain down upon you? I word to the wise, to the contrary of nay-sayers: the penis is not a magic wand designed to dispense wishes to wanna-be bon-bon eaters. Geez, even gumball machines expect a coin.
he mustn’t be dependent on you in any way.
Fair enough–as you must not be a dependent on him in any way, right?
He must have a place to stay, drive his own car and pay his own bills, the day you start to prop him up that day you have in your hands a liability.
And the very same could be said about you, yes?
Don’t get me wrong here he doesn’t have to own a house or drive a car, however he shouldn’t be living in your apartment and driving the car you bought while you use public transport.
And vice-versa, yes?
After you are married, of course he should be able to use your things, perhaps life deals him a hard blow and he needs time to recuperate, that’s fine. But before the marriage, before you say I do, make sure he is not using you as a crutch.
And vice-versa, yes?
4) He must buy you gifts; this is a sure sign that he is seriously with you.
No he mustn’t and no it doesn’t.
Do not take the lack of money as an excuse.
He should buy you gifts, and don’t take the lack of money as an excuse? Seriously? Are you buying him gifts when you don’t have money? “Must” you?
The thought of giving you a gift no matter how inexpensive it is, is what is most important.
Never mind listening, being helpful, being there, doing his share of everything. What matters is you, you, you. Bring on the gifts! They are a measure of you, you, you! You are a special princess, absolutely unique, offering something that none of the 3.5 billion women on the planet can offer, right? Well, what are these qualities that you have to offer him that are so spectacularly exceptional that will instantly convert your designated Mr. Right into a walking ATM machine–and gratefully so?
He must get you a gift on your birthday at least.
Why? I believe that you are mistaking “gift” for “contractual obligation”.
Note that if he forgot your birthday its not a crime, some people are bad with dates so that’s fine. He can make it a belated birthday gift.
Are you with the man for who he is, or for the gifts? You strike me as being quite mercenary and contemptuous of “The Man of Your Dreams”.
5) You must be proud to show him off to your family and friends, he could be short and fat and ugly but if you love him, you will be fine with his looks.
And this should go both ways, right?
6) Don’t manage him ever;
Fair enough. That’s called “human respect,” which hopefully goes both ways as well.
If you don’t really know if you love him and are just cordial to him, you are probably with him because you feel you are getting old.
Ah, the psychic bit again…
Well wine gets finer with age so who cares, (flips weave). Its better to be 40 and have peace than be 30 and unhappy with broken ribs.
Are you presuming that The Man of Your Dreams is a violent person? Or just men in general? You know that people who hurt other people have a group designation, don’t you? These people are known as “criminals.” Remember also, that wine only becomes finer under the right conditions, otherwise it become vinegar.
7) Let him be the one to impress you not the other way round;
Give me one reason for the lack of mutuality.
before you are married to him, you shouldn’t be the one trying to impress him, you are the queen, the princess,
And why should you not? And incidentally, unless you are in fact genuine royalty, no, you are not the queen or the princess. You are The Average Jane, common woman of the same status as Average Joe, the common man.
it is on you that the choice ultimately rests.
Uh, no. A man has as much choice as to whether he wants to partner with someone or not. So far, you have provided more reasons for him NOT to partner with you, than to do so.
Now I am not saying that you should be high handed and rude. I am just saying be sure you are not doing for him, what he is supposed to do for you.
Oh? And what exactly is he “supposed” to be doing for you that you should not also be doing for him–or for yourself, for that matter?
8) The people that matter most in your life should at least be comfortable with him, your parents and siblings and close friends.
While I agree that this is pleasant and practical, who is the one that is engaging him in a partnership, you, or others?
9) Remember that he will not change, the story of the princess kissing a frog and turning him into a prince is a fairytale.
If he beats you, gets drunk, flirts around, is irresponsible before you get married, he will be exactly the same man after the marriage.
And if you beat him, get drunk, flirt around and are irresponsible before you get married, you also, will be exactly the same after marriage too. Men are starting to wise up. We now actively look for The Crazy, as a protective measure. One of the warning signs of The Crazy is someone who thinks that they are an entitled princess.
10) There are good men around; don’t think the good men have finished and stick to one who treats you badly.
As there are many good women around, don’t be surprised if he dumps you for one, after all, what have you done for him, other than make demands based on expectations of zero reciprocity?
If he is treating you the way you do not want to be treated, don’t for once think that that is the way all men are.
Be sure that he doesn’t have issues to deal with. If he was molested as a child, or came from a background of domestic violence the truth is that he will have issues to deal with. Be sure that you don’t want to live with the consequence of another person’s actions
Men call that “Avoiding The Crazy”. You have already fired off more than a dozen red lights.
Because you are special and you deserve the best.
You are, are you? What makes you special? What are you bringing to the table? So far, little more than expectations, demands of gifts, higher status, prescribed behaviour and what have you suggested that a young woman offer HIM in return? Bupkus. Zip. Zilch.
So why settle for less…?
It’s not “settling” when you don’t bring equal value.
I’d like to know your thoughts on this article.
You asked for it.
You are are urging young women to be narcissistic, entitled, self-centred, demanding, greedy little wanna-be princesses who expect The Man of Her Dreams to appear and stay, while demonstrating zero regard for him. You have completely absolved her of any responsibility or duty, or even respect for someone she wants to partner with. Read your entire article and reverse the roles. Pretend that a man had written this to young boys describing how he should treat women. What would you think of the advice then?
Your “article” in no way “no holds barred” or “discourse”, it is the typical self-centred irresponsible advice that suggests to young women that they deserve The Best while offering nothing in return. Your advice is trivial, ignorant and harmful.
Why should you settle for less? Because you seem to offering nothing worth more. You get what you pay for, so to speak.
Dear Young Woman, should you find yourself reading this article, a good response would to shake your head and proudly exclaim “No! I will build my life, though strength, determination and character. I choose to be a valuable member of my community and I will give as much as I get. I shall rudely shove aside the simpering, hypocritical and retrograde thoughts fed to me by those who do not look beyond their own noses. I choose to be a full human adult that recognizes that she is merely one small part of the world, not its centre, yet, with the power to change it. I will learn how the world works, build my strength and take action. This is my life, and I claim it. This will be good for me and for those that I care for. I will become a fully self-actualized adult that builds her own life instead of passively waiting for life to be gingerly placed into my delicate outstretched beggaring hand. And I will do so for a simple reason: I have self-respect.”
Do it. And do so with a proud, fierce and joyful fire in your eyes. That’s what will make you attractive The Man of Your Dreams and he receptive to you.
Your article, Metrowoman, is the kind of mental rubbish that has been passed on from generation to generation, and–almost without exception–to the disappointment of the women who have accepted it, and the men they have met. Your article is not so much advice or discussion, as it is an example of a cautionary tale.
[The next day]
I followed up on the page to see whether my comment would be approved.
The answer, unsurprisingly was a simple, quiet rejection of the comment. So I followed up.
We’ll see what happens next.
[Moments later] *Poof* gone is the comment.
This was not at all unexpected.